I started in the moving industry as a move manager almost 11 years ago. I came from an import/export business and found the world of household goods to be completely different.

I loved the drive and spirit as well as the family feeling I experienced in the company, but to be honest, I thought that I would never learn this job. I asked myself after the first season how someone can cope with the workload, the difficulties with customs and also all the nagging transferees who knew better about everything—at least in their minds.

Back then, my plan was to earn money and go and travel the world again. Time passed, though, and I loved my job more and more each day. I usually got bored in a job after a year but not here. Every day was different. A challenge. Sometimes a good and sometimes a very frustrating challenge. I had to learn not to take things personally, which still is not my strength. Four years passed and I felt that I was good in my job, but wanted to take on more responsibility, so I talked to my manager.

My manager offered me a job as team leader with a remote team in Romania. I was super happy about it, but this is also when all the self-doubts and insecurities came back. Am I capable? Will I be able to lead a team? Will they like me? Will I disappoint everyone? Will I be enough? The staff within my team changed completely four times within three years, which was very frustrating. I knew it wasn’t because of me, but it still felt like I failed over and over again. Starting to build up a new team, put all the energy in training, team building, getting their respect—but also finding myself constantly in this role was emotionally exhausting. 

Another season came and hit us very hard as we were short on staff and also had new starters who needed a lot of attention and time. This was about two years ago. I was working every evening and every weekend. Noone was expecting that from me but myself. Everyone said, “you’ll be all right, it’s just a tough season.” I also wanted to prove that I was worth being promoted and that I was the right one for the job—even though my manager always supported me and confirmed I was doing my job very well—but I didn’t feel that way.

I came to a point where everything became too much. I got help with the new hires but accepting the help only reinforced the feeling that I was not capable. It hit me very hard when season was over and suddenly, I was no longer working evenings and weekends and I had to start dealing with myself. A dear colleague left the company and this was the straw what broke the camel’s back. It was also the kick I needed to find a therapist.

Pretending over years that I was okay was more tiring than I realized. My plan was to get some pills and get back to work and my known life—of course, my therapist didn’t agree with that plan. The first hours of therapy were difficult. I was mainly crying. I couldn’t explain why was not well. I didn’t know what my problem was. I had everything I needed. A home, friends, family, job. But despite all this, I was not okay. This constant feeling of never being enough was there, 24/7—both at work and in my personal life. 

The therapy helped me to understand where certain feelings were coming from, and it helped me accept that there’s no shame in asking for help. That to fail sometimes or to be overwhelmed by situations or feelings is not a sign of weakness. And most importantly, it taught me to be more kind to myself.

It’s now 1.5 years since I started therapy. And the funniest thing is, I look forward to it every week. It’s kind of my little island, a place of peace where I see my situation from different perspectives and continue to work on myself—finding my own way and figuring out what’s best for me and my well-being. There are good days and also still difficult days. But there are fewer difficult days. Well-being and mental health are things that can’t be seen or explained in a rational way. It’s important to know that you are not alone with mental health struggles, but also to accept that sometimes it’s okay not to be okay.